I can see how much effort you put into me. How much effort you put into trying to have something with me. You put more effort into keeping something with her than to try to cheer me up when I'm crying or something. You leave me hanging here for hours when you go and talk to her. You keep telling me that you want to be with me but your actions tell me otherwise. It tells me that you're just playing me. She's more important to you than I am. How is it fair to me? You tell me that you won't lie to me, but right now, my gut tells me that you're lying to me about her. I don't know what you want. I don't know what you want me to do. What do I mean to you? 

True love?

"A person that truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is."

I've been thinking about that since I've reblogged that on Tumblr to be honest. I know I've loved 2 people. One whom I've never really met in person and one that I've had a 10 and half month relationship with. I still love them both and I haven't let them go. I guess I can say that I love them in a sense that they're my wonderful friends now. One of them claims to love someone in another country after talking to them for a bit... And the other is kinda taking a break from someone... And here I am thinking about "what if". I always do this to myself and I don't know why I do. 

But the reason I've been thinking about the quote is because it makes me wonder if they truly loved me at all. They said they did or I don't know if they still do but I wonder. I sit here and wonder.

I try so hard to please everyone and try my hardest to keep a relationship going for the most part. I've been talking to someone for about a month now and we have a date next week. I just hope everything works out or something. Nothing will be official for another few months at the minimum but I like her. She can make me smile without doing anything. I can just look at her and I'll start smiling. She looks at me like I'm crazy or something because I can look at her and just smile. Who knows where I'm going with this, but I just hope I don't get hurt in the end.

I think I should be honest with myself:
Am I over Corina? No.
Do I still like her? Very much so.

I don't know why I keep trying sometimes. I know she's an amazing girl and that she's worth my effort, but the way she's treating this situation is kinda painful. Painful for me at least. I don't know if she feels any kind of pain at all. She wasn't very clear on what's going on between us so it's confusing me. I don't want to give up because I want to prove I'm worth for her, but at the same time she's hurting me by what she's doing. 

I don't know what to do or what is going on between us or whatever. I hope she can figure things out soon, and put me out of misery, or for myself to learn to let go and move on. Who knows..

This is our only pic together.. Her smile seriously brightens up my day if she smiles at me. sigh...

Sometimes I really wonder what in the hell did I do wrong. All I ask for is someone to treat me right, talk to me (at least) once a day, be sweet to me, and plan cute things for me. All I ask for is someone that I can spoil and be a complete fool around. I don't know why I can't just have something so simple.

I always think about the song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" because it's true that I can't always get what I want. There are times that I maybe ask for too much, and there are times where I'm just an asshole. No one's perfect, but why can't I be treated as if I'm really important? Words don't mean as much as actions do. 

I saw a video that someone made today. That person never really did something for me like that. The thing that really sticks most to my mind is her making chocolate for me. I guess I can't say too much because I was an asshole in the end, selfish for picking my academics over a girl. I can't go back in time obviously, but I guess I wish I could've done better. I guess I wasn't worthy enough or trying hard enough. I just wasn't trying hard enough in keeping myself from suffocating in stress. 

What's done is done now. Nothing much I can do. I can only think back to the memory. 

it's times like this where I wish i had someone to hug for real... someone that can make me smile instantly because they texted me or they sneaked a kiss on my cheek. I'm all in a mess this week after what happened last Friday. Kinda a pain in the ass that I'm in a mess, and I definitely don't like it.

Why do I have to be a people pleaser? I always put other people first and please them first. I get the talk about me being selfish all the time from my parents, but I don't think they ever know I'm not being selfish at all. I kinda just want to go home back in LA and be around where I can just relax. My home is my getaway from stress and problems. 

Why oh why must I be a people pleaser? I just always end up getting hurt because I please other people before I please myself. 

My life is a mess. I'm in a mess. I wish someone could clean up this fucking mess.